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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189832">Doomed to Wonder What Might Have Been</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soph_Writes_118/pseuds/Soph_Writes_118'>Soph_Writes_118</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Lost Love, Regret</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 04:09:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>902</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189832</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soph_Writes_118/pseuds/Soph_Writes_118</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ overhears Rossi talking about regrets and lost love, and it causes some reflection on her own life.</p><p>A short one-shot in JJ's POV, set at the end of Season 5, Ep 3 of Criminal Minds: The Reckoner. </p><p>I was rewatching this episode a while ago, and suddenly saw this scene through the JJ/Reid lens and felt like writing it out. For context, Reid was back at Quantico because he was recovering from his gunshot wound to the leg.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau &amp; Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Doomed to Wonder What Might Have Been</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I can still feel the blood splatter across my skin, like an itch.</p><p>It’s been hours since Judge Schuler was shot outside Commack Police Station. I washed my face and chest in the sink at the precinct, binned my blood-soaked shirt. But I swear I can still smell that metallic tang, feel the spray of hot, wet blood burning into my skin, and hear the fatal shot ringing in my ears.</p><p>I’m staring out of the plane window, lost in these thoughts, when Emily sits down beside me. She doesn’t say a word, just places a cup of tea in front of me and pats my knee reassuringly. Then she opens a book and is lost to another world, just like that. Some people can do that, open up a book and be transported to another time and place. Spence is one of them.</p><p>I find myself wishing that he’d been cleared to fly, that he were sitting across from us right now. He always knows how to make me feel better, even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He must be going crazy back at Quantico, jostling for attention with Garcia on the videolink earlier. They burn so bright, like suns, that two of them in the one space for too long is almost too much to look at.</p><p>The mood on the plane is subdued, so it’s not hard to hear Rossi talking to Hotch about the judge’s late wife. He’s still playing with the locket with her picture inside. We all know he took it from Schuler after he died, but none of us said anything. I try to tune them out, not wanting to eavesdrop, but Rossi’s words draw me in.</p><p>“When I first met her, I knew I would love her for the rest of my life. We were twelve.”</p><p>I knew Rossi was a romantic, but I didn’t realise he started so young. A half-smile traces my lips, and I turn my gaze back to the window so he can’t tell I’m listening. His next words strike me hard.</p><p>“She always said we were star-crossed lovers. Doomed to wonder what might have been.” </p><p>I stop seeing the sun-tinted clouds outside. How many times had I thought ‘What if?’ How many times had I allowed myself to get caught up in daydreams, reading too much into a look, a smile, a comment? How often had regret, tinged with shame, wandered into my mind wishing that things had turned out differently? Rossi’s words reverberate in my chest.</p><p>Spencer is one of my best friends, and possibly my favourite colleague. We have always been colleagues first, then friends. It’s a working relationship, and I’ve never sought to change that. Neither has he. Even after the Tobias Hankel incident, when we found him in that graveyard and we nearly fell to the ground hugging each other, we have always kept it this side of professional.</p><p>That case told me everything I needed to know about how I really felt about Spence, but I bottled it all up and suppressed it. Morgan was right. I nearly got Spence killed. I’ve never really let go of that guilt. I decided I could make it up to him by protecting him, by being his champion at work and always, always, having his back. So that’s what I did.</p><p>But I can’t stop the ache in my heart when we’re together and everything just clicks. Even though our interests are so different, even though we think and talk and act so differently, there’s an understanding there that crosses all those lines. A strange chemistry that flares the spark of longing inside me. I keep trying to stamp it out. But something inside me just won’t let it die.</p><p>“I should have married her.”</p><p>The regret is audible in Rossi’s voice. Clearly I’m not the only one carrying ‘what ifs?’ around with me.</p><p>As I pull the shawl in tighter around me, my gaze falls to my right ring finger, and the glowing amber stone sat there. Will and Henry’s faces flash into my mind, and guilt settles heavy on my shoulders along with the shawl.</p><p>“I missed a lifetime with Emma because I became obsessed with the chase,” Rossi sighs to Hotch.</p><p>And, just like that, I close myself off to the pull in my heart, and resolve to call Will as soon as we land. He and Henry have to be my focus.</p><p>I have a wonderful life that took me by surprise. I never expected to fall for Will, never expected to have Henry, never expected to have a family of my own and still get to do the job I love. I am so, so grateful for them. They give me that slice of normal in a dark and dangerous world, a life full of love and laughter and a joy that I hardly deserve.</p><p>I have to keep those feelings that lurk just beneath the surface contained. No matter what my feelings are for Spencer, what good would it do him or me to say them out loud? How many people would I hurt by giving them voice and making them real? You can’t take back something like that once it’s out: you can’t shut Pandora’s Box once it’s open.</p><p>I’ve perfected my poker face over the last six years. Now the only one left to convince is myself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is my first Criminal Minds fic. If you've got this far then thank you for reading it, I hope you enjoyed it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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